Denial?

I don't know how to explain how i feel right now... i'm furious, and scared... and unsure... i was teasing Bill about getting married.. and he got that attatude that just says either I don't want to go through with this, or i'm getting annoyed talking about this. so i get mad at him. cry... he calls me back... and i explain that i'm frusterated with him. He tells me that he wants to but he's scared because of the economy. because if he looses his job and we have to pay a house payment, then we'll be in trouble cause i'll be in the Elementary Program and not able to work alot. and so i asked him if he perfered to wait another two years, which i would never do in the first place, but i had to ask, and he says that he doesn't want to wait... right.... so i say, well, then there's not a lot we can do about it. and then we're ok and we talk about someting else...

then i talk to my mom... not helpful, everytime i talk to her i end up feeling like i'm being ignored cause she doesn't want to talk to me or pissed cause she says something like she said tonight... it's like she doesn't think bill will actually ask me to marry him... she keeps saying things about red flags and thinking about it.

well i've thought about it. i know that i love Bill more than anything in the world, and that i want to be with him for the rest of my life. i feel like my mom is trying to rush me into this. Ya i want to get married, but if i get married after graduation on May 1st then it'll be easier for me to get through finals and plan a wedding... but mom doesn't think that will happen... i know it will.. at least in the depth of my soul i hope it will... mom says that she loves bill, likes how he treats me, but almost three years of dating is enough... i agree, but i'm not going to rush bill any more than he is. i told him i'm married by fall... or else... and if fall comes and nothing happens, well, i might just have to take a break from relationships... i don't know... it scares me... cause i love him so much... Am i just in denial?

Am i just hoping for something that will never come? i don't think so. i'm still so young. i'm only twenty. Mom got married when she was sixteen, so did my sister ashley, and Natalie and Tiffany had babies in high school. Natalie got married her senior year (when she dropped out)... so what's so different from me? why do i have to rush like everyone else? am i wrong, someone please tell me if i'm wrong to wait and grow up a bit...

I just get so frusterated when in every direction there's a force apon me... every week someone asks how we are, or when we're getting married, or when he'll get on the ball and ask me...

Soon i tell them, because that's what he tells me. soon. god i hope soon comes for if not a see me getting really depressed because of the outcome if it doesn't...

lord help me

so it's official

I am a wimp. I skied today for two and a half hours, and i'm absolutely dead. My legs are lead that don't want to move. I used muscles today that I don't remember having... save me.. here is a bunch of pics from my excusion.


And this is what happens to me when we decided to go through the trees... interesting to say the least...

So this semester is almost over, thank god! having to wake up for a 7am History class is not my ideal thing to do when i could be sleeping... sad... but i'm excited to say that i'll be getting my associates after this spring semester. and the classes i'm taking, though there will be many, don't start until 10am!!!!

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's just what I wanted to hear. I'm just hoping that i get good grades so i can graduate with honors like i was planning on doing... right now my gpa is 3.7! if i get it to 3.8 i'll graduate with HIGH Honors... lord save me. i'm a nerd... anyways... The chocolate cake is looking mightily delisheous (can't spell) on my dresser... yummy... bad... yummy...

NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!! I'm caving again...

Tears... yummy...

Hard Day

men... what are we supposed to do with them? this blog has turned into my journal than anything else... i feel, frustrated that I've found the one i want to spend the rest of my life with, and yet I can't get him to ask the one question I would definitely say yes to... "I want everything to be perfect" he tells me.

what is perfection? I will never know the true meaning of it. there seems to be no such thing. I know that I love someone, that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I've waited, and not pushed for over two years...

perfect... he holds me and all my fears and troubles fade away. When we drive down the road in perfect contentment, not needing to talk all the time cause it seems we can read each others minds. He smiles at me and that's all I see. He makes me happy. We are perfect together, so the point of waiting for perfect has been hit upon already.

it may be that I'm premenstrual and that's why I'm emotionally wrecked, or it may be that my mother is having surgery on the 24th and I'm scared. I don't know what I'm scared of. Mom's going in for surgery to get out her "Fake Boob Implant" that has become infected. We have no idea if it's cancerous or not... not until they clean her up... it scares me...

The beginning of winter depresses me. Not enough snow to do anything, but cold enough that you don't want to do anything... no wonder this time of year has always been my hardest...

Well, i'm going to read my book again... it's called Traitors Kiss... by mary blayney... it's ok... i'm not sure if it's my favorite book. but it keeps my mind off of things that would be better not to think about in my emotional state...

so good night, farewell, and Carpe Diem...

Wicked The Musical

i'm so frusterated. i've been trying since ten this morning to get tickets to go to the Capital Theatre to watch Wicked. but the internet is slower than **** and all the box office lines are busy... kill me please i really want these tickets... tear... it's almost been four hours... i hate waiting...

SOCCOR MOM??!!

ok. so I took on a babysitting job that started saterday morning and ends tonight when their parents get home... Remember, I'm twenty ok.... so the kids i am watching are 16, 12, and 8...

Crazy right? how can she do this you ask? well.... With a lot a work....

Saturday morning I picked up all three children, from different locations, and proceed to drive to Salt Lake City for the youngests' soccer game (or football wherever you are from).

Now for those of you who know me, you know that I never ever drive to the city... I hate the traffic and the people... But I did it... with three kids in my new car... And I didn't even get lost... that badly...

Then I brought the kids back to thier house, which is in PC... and got the youngest ready for her birthday party that night.

Now, this party was a scary costume party, so I had to get her dressed up... Vampire style... white face, black eyes the works. I thought I did a dang good job of it...

So then the next day I shuffle around the kids from more birthday parties to friends houses' and so much more (including carving pumpkins). I swear I barely sat down before I thought "hm, maybe I should do these dishes or clean up this room so when the parents get back I won't have to kill myself to clean it all..."

Well, I know that it is like to be mom... cleaning up constantly and driving kids everywhere...

So Monday morning I had to make lunches for both the younger kids, and then I scutted off to school myself. I get out of class, and head back up to clean the house, again... (I'll never be a super mom...)

I managed to get the kids to do thier homework, a feet in itself thank you very much, and got them off to bed without too many problems... other than Tag, the 12 yr old, had a stomach ache and kept me up till twelve... I think that was sunday night though...

so this morning, again, make lunches, make breakfast, make sure everyone gets off to the bus on time, without forgetting anything... and Then I head to work.

Work is great, busy but amazingly appealing to me for some reason... midday I get a phone call from Tag saying he's sick...

So this is where i become a true mom, because i left work to pick him up and bring him home. I felt so bad, like we weren't that busy at work, but i've never had to leave work for any reason, so I felt uncomfortable doing it then...

I'm never going to be a mom if this is how it is... maybe one or two kids down the road a long way, but deffinately not now.... i would die of all the stress and exhustion that is overwhelming me as we speak.

I can't even sleep tonight when i do get home because i've got to study for a history test that i haven't even opened the book to... SAVE ME!!!!!!! the test is my first class at seven... gross!!! goodbye sleep! Goodbye sanity!!!!!!! Wish me luck, cause i'm going to need it to retain any information to pass this quiz tomorrow....

BYU & Hooters

Ok, so i know that sounds really bad, but that's where I went this weekend... I headed up friday night to hang out with my friends from high school at BYU. It was fun to see my old girlfriends again. We went to a movie (Kung Fu Panda), which was super cute, and then headed back to thier appartment to chill... We did, however, ride in a 2003 Mercedes Benz which was amazingly cool. The car drove like nothing i've ever been in. it literally flew over the ground... at least it felt like it...


Now This is Holly! My Amazingly Beautiful friend who is leaving all of us to go teach in some forign country. She leaves Jan. 1 so I beleive that we are going to go have a party for her sometime before christmas so that we can all be together again... Who knows who will change within the time she is gone... crazy...






And this is Kristee! Who has already traveled the world so i beleive she's safe at home for now... she's been to china, Cambodia? no that's were Holly's going, um, to many places i just can't think of where... HOLLY & KRISTEE tell me where!!!

so on Saturday, we went to the BYU Homecoming Parade... it was, Big... I guess being from a small town i don't expect to see a semi or two in the parade... or these very fancy floats... the dancers where pretty cool though... Too bad UVU Wasatch doesn't have a dance class... that would be cool...

So I head home around oneish. get home, and decide, i'm not in the mood for a bunch of people i don't know... My roommate was having a party, and i just wasn't in the mood to socialize with people that were way more intellegent than me... so I texted my boyfriend, Bill, and asked him if I could hang with him for the evening... Well before he texted me back, a friend from Kamas called me up wondering if Bill and I wanted to go on a double date... So that made me happy and I headed up to Kamas.

We decided that we would go to Hooters for dinner because Sarah and I had never been... we thought that we'd try it out... Now mind you, i have nothing against Hooters, but I could never walk around in the shorts that they have to. The food was good, not bad, and the chicken wings were awesome... if you go there for anything, it has to be the hot wings...

After dinner we were going to go shopping, but the mall we happened upon was closing... lame... so i decided (because no one else would) that we would go bowling... OMG it was so much fun. Bill said at the beginning that he wasn't good... well I call BS on that because he was super good... I on the other hand, the first game I scored 80, the second score I think I scored 73? I don't remember but it was the funest two games i've ever played...

So We head out, it's about eleven, and see that it's snowing... great... parleys will be fun... it wasn't too bad except for those stupid drivers who don't know how to drive in the snow... We got back to Sarah and Toby's house and watched a movie...

Well Kinda... I fell asleep ten minutes into the movie that i had picked... (the longest yard)...

It was an amazing weekend though...

Bill told me just tonight... make me cry.... He said something along the lines of "You know when you know that your meant to be with someone and then something happens, and it only strengthens that? well that's what happened when you fell asleep in my arms last night..."

It was so cute I started to cry... I love him so much...
Here's a pic of us so you know who I'm talking about... Too Cute...

I love nature pictures like this... I did not take this though. one of my friends at school took this and sent it to me (well i took it off her sd disk but she oked it) and i love it...

Pure and Simple it should be called...

Fun in the Sun!!

This is me in the cold water... I was ambushed!!!

Photo Class

Photos I've taken for my photo class

the Guys...
Cold Feet!!!


digitally enhanced flower (by ME)


So there I am coming to class late, and all of a sudden it's, "Julie, Stop right there and smile" and all of a sudden a dozen camera's start flashing. Talk about torture! Good thing I decided to get dressed today instead of wearing my normal Wednesday morning pajamas to school... then i'm trying to get a picture of the boys sitting on the bridge, so i slip down into the stream and again it's "Julie SMILE!" I swear my feet were going to freeze off! just what i get when i just want to try to pass this class, instead i become the object of interest...

This is my baby brother riding a bull at the kamas rodeo this summer. Poor thing had hurt his hand prior to this, so he didn't ride his eight seconds...

Old Friends

Friends Forever
Friends Always There

soapstone, the picture I took off my phone

My Redneck Birthday Weekend

Now some of you may be wondering what the hell I was thinking... well, to tell you the honest truth I had a blast. We headed out Friday afternoon to Soapstone up above Kamas. Well, for those of you who didn' know, this last weekend was the opening of the elk season. So hundreds of hunters where camping the same place we were.

So we get up there, and I put batteries in my friends camera (I had forgotten mine, and my friend lived in Kamas so it was easier to get it from her). Well, you turn on the camera, and nothing happens... even with brand new batteries... so i'm sitting here thinking great. here are the most beautiful fall colored leaves, and I have no camera... So sadly I took pictures on my phone. but it worked... kinda...

So it rains Friday night and all day Saturday (yes I know you know it rained), Well Saturday night, for my birthday, Bill, my boyfriend of over two years, makes me dinner. Steak, sate'd mushrooms and such... Well, what made it even cuter was that he made it into a candle lit dinner. Now, i'll remind you we are in a camper, on the mountain, and it's raining and cold outside... Very redneck, but oh so cute! so after dinner, which we had romantic music playing the hole time, Bill asks me to dance in our cute little camper... I made the mood when i knocked down the table... Miss Congeniality here (yes spelling is bad). but the night was so perfect that it didn't matter.

On Sunday, I made Bill promise we would go fourwheeling. Well, i didn't realize what i was asking for. So we get into our warm cloths, cause it's snowing now, and our orange vests (because it's hunting season) and get on the "big bear." And went mud bogging for two hours or more. can't really tell you how long. all i know is that when we got back to the camper i was covered in mud to my knees and up to my elbows. don't ask how...

the funniest part of the weekend was when i was trying to get off Big Bear. Since I was on the back and Bill was driving, I was basically holding on with my thighs. So when i try to get off of the fourwheeler I can't move. I can't even lift my leg. I felt like I had been riding a horse all day long... it hurt!

But it was the most fun in a weekend that i've ever had. Redneck or not, that was my best birthday ever...