I don't know how to explain how i feel right now... i'm furious, and scared... and unsure... i was teasing Bill about getting married.. and he got that attatude that just says either I don't want to go through with this, or i'm getting annoyed talking about this. so i get mad at him. cry... he calls me back... and i explain that i'm frusterated with him. He tells me that he wants to but he's scared because of the economy. because if he looses his job and we have to pay a house payment, then we'll be in trouble cause i'll be in the Elementary Program and not able to work alot. and so i asked him if he perfered to wait another two years, which i would never do in the first place, but i had to ask, and he says that he doesn't want to wait... right.... so i say, well, then there's not a lot we can do about it. and then we're ok and we talk about someting else...
then i talk to my mom... not helpful, everytime i talk to her i end up feeling like i'm being ignored cause she doesn't want to talk to me or pissed cause she says something like she said tonight... it's like she doesn't think bill will actually ask me to marry him... she keeps saying things about red flags and thinking about it.
well i've thought about it. i know that i love Bill more than anything in the world, and that i want to be with him for the rest of my life. i feel like my mom is trying to rush me into this. Ya i want to get married, but if i get married after graduation on May 1st then it'll be easier for me to get through finals and plan a wedding... but mom doesn't think that will happen... i know it will.. at least in the depth of my soul i hope it will... mom says that she loves bill, likes how he treats me, but almost three years of dating is enough... i agree, but i'm not going to rush bill any more than he is. i told him i'm married by fall... or else... and if fall comes and nothing happens, well, i might just have to take a break from relationships... i don't know... it scares me... cause i love him so much... Am i just in denial?
Am i just hoping for something that will never come? i don't think so. i'm still so young. i'm only twenty. Mom got married when she was sixteen, so did my sister ashley, and Natalie and Tiffany had babies in high school. Natalie got married her senior year (when she dropped out)... so what's so different from me? why do i have to rush like everyone else? am i wrong, someone please tell me if i'm wrong to wait and grow up a bit...
I just get so frusterated when in every direction there's a force apon me... every week someone asks how we are, or when we're getting married, or when he'll get on the ball and ask me...
Soon i tell them, because that's what he tells me. soon. god i hope soon comes for if not a see me getting really depressed because of the outcome if it doesn't...
lord help me
